After the monthly shamanic circle I attend, I drove up with Kru to a lovely riverside spot near an old mill at the foot of the mountains. There had been much celebration and admiration of the new campervan and lots of depth and big feels during the morning so I decided to have a little nap before heading home. I lay on the bed, savoring the first experience of being able to lie down and relax on demand and listened to the river and the rain on the roof, every window alive with dancing green leaves and droplets. Bliss.
I got up after a short rest to go outside, opening the sliding door from the inside.
It proceeded to roll all the way off, onto the ground off. I caught it before it smashed.
There follows an hours long story about flagging down strangers, wrestling with not wildly helpful insurance roadside assistance, jiggling, wriggling and shoving the wheels back onto the threads while being eaten by midges and Kru having a nervous breakdown throughout.
It was rough. It was interesting to navigate feeling open and tender and joyful from Circle and being literally whammed into having to keep it together while frightened, under physical and sensory duress and not knowing what the outcome would be.
It was interesting to catch myself wondering what I had done wrong, what mistake I'd made, what karmic retribution this was for. I got hit on the shoulder and snagged on the handbrake during the day too, my body felt like I'd been attacked. So there were the voices of scrutiny and protection that became ingrained in childhood as a sort of preemptive protection against being blamed when I felt upset. I put my hand on my chest and told them as often as they returned that I wasn't in trouble and hadn't done anything wrong and they settled.
The image I'll take away from it... The young couple that helped me, the genuine helpfulness, the willingness to have this adventure and work together. Their faces were so clear and present, they were so warm and practical, precisely the sort of energy needed. I was helped, in exactly the way I needed to be at exactly the time I needed it. I was scared and I knew I was being minded.
I am glad of such a concrete, tangible reminder of the omnipresent safety net of human and invisible help that I observe around me.